Monday, September 1, 2014

Tragic with a Side of Guillotine: A Milestone

"You could cut his hair short on the sides and keep the top long and style it up." 
"And then I could just move to Brooklyn with my hipster kid too? 
"Heepster? Que es eso?" 
and this was 5 months ago...
This is one variation of the ongoing conversation that I have had with my Cuban mom about getting Santiago's hair cut. If it were up to her she would have taken scissors to his hair months ago giving him a Tom Cruise style cut - Top Gun not Rain Man. Instead she refers to him as Einstein in the mornings due to the height of his hair. Hey it could be worse....

Husband, who went the whole summer not cutting his own hair until he looked slightly Wolverine-ish, obviously wasn't concerned with cutting T's hair. He was in my corner. Then, recently when we were talking over Skype he dropped the bomb, "Maybe we should cut his hair."

Et tu, Brute?

Betrayed by Brute and alone on my limb, I've held on to T's lovely, little, sweet-smelling head of light brown curls like a woman in the middle of rushing Class IV rapids. Why can't I let this ship sail?

I thought back to Rafa's first haircut. This, like that, is a major milestone but somehow it's different. It's harder this time. I thought back further. When I was pregnant with Rafa I had one dream of what she looked like. Beautifully round little face, big brown dancing eyes, and sparkly earrings. I remembered the earrings clearly. I had one of those dreams about Santiago too. Just one. And you know what stood out the most in that dream? You guessed it, his hair. The exact color it is now, long and wavy like a beach bum. Hmmmm... If I were a therapist, I'd say I was on to something.

Could it be that his hair is what I identify his babyness to and without it, he's no longer a baby but a (gulp) big kid? Oh, say it ain't so. If he's no longer a baby but a big kid then that means I don't have anymore babies - which oddly sends a current of excitement through my body at the same time as it sends a very sad one. It sounds so tragic, I know, but his hair is one of the last things that stands between being a mom of a baby and not and I'm sad about it. So I keep putting off cutting his hair until he looks like Einstein or is as old as him.

I know what comes next... the guillotine must drop...and soon because we leave for Dominican Republic in two weeks. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be more like one of those not-so-emotional moms, whose heart doesn't break over every thing.

Monday, August 25, 2014

6 "Get Out" Songs for Teachers to Mentally Sing When Kicking a Student Out

For many of my dear friends, it is that time of year. Yes, teachers, I am talking to you. And yes... school is starting - or worse - has started.

I feel your pain. As a teacher myself (though I haven't been in the classroom for a few years now), I know that teaching is for those with big heart... and patience... and grace... and humor... and courage... and high barometers of all things gross... and - sorry, I'll move on. Although September can be exciting with the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the promise of never been used notebooks (What? Don't tell me I'm the only nerdy teacher that likes new school supplies.), the students' first-day-of-school-eagerness wears off by 4th period and then they become as tolerable as students on the last day of school, which is, let's be honest, not at all tolerable. Ok, damn right meh.

When I was in the classroom, by 5th period of my first day I was questioning my decision-making skills in life, asking myself what in the world I could have been thinking when I went back to school to become a teacher. Oh, that's right, people. I graduated with a BA in Something Else and voluntarily went back to school to enter a profession that guaranteed to pay me nothing but mismatched markers, half used post-its and enough money to buy groceries each month (nothing organic less I want to break the bank). Luckily, I really like school supplies. By 6th period, I was daydreaming of flicking paper footballs at kids' face and by the end of the day, all of the zen I had acquired during my peaceful summer was a smelly pile of poo in the corner. Wait a minute? Is that an actual pile of poo in the corner. Ugh. These kids are so gross.

Teachers are the most selfless and funny people I know; in part because it takes a certain kind of person to do this job, and mostly because we need to be in order to survive; yet even teachers have their breaking (bad) point and it's usually when one of the kids that we give up our days, evenings and weekends for says something so ungrateful that all of the others kids stop and look at you in horror, waiting to see how you'll respond.
source: leochingkwaked
These are moments when you want to break out in damn near theatrical dance and throw someone out of your classroom shrieking and crazy talking to yourself, yelling
so loudly that the windows shatter but instead you stay cool and say, "Please leave the classroom," deep breath, "Right now." So, Selfless Teachers, because of this I've created a Mental Playlist for you (not mental as in crazy, mental as in your mind) to use for the times when your human reaction to physically face push someone has to be overridden by your selfless, patient teacher reaction. I want you to think of these tunes with their perfect GET OUT lyrics and imagine what theatrical dance you would do if you could kick a student out in whatever Broadway type way you wanted.

* Don't actually do it, but daydream about it in that secret, out-of-body-experience kind of way and then come back to reality.

1. Problems - Arianna Grande 
"I got one less problem without ya...I got one less problem without ya...
I got one less, one less problem."
Tap dance it, giiirl... 
Get out.
Source: ruinedchildhood

2. Beat It - Michael Jackson
"...but you want to be bad? Just beat it. Beat it."
MmHmm. Not so bad now...
Get out.
Source: princesconsuela

3. Bye Bye Bye - N*Sync
"I know that I can't take no more. It ain't no lie. I just want to see you out that door. Baby, bye, bye, bye."
Get out.
Source: Paul DeSpain

4. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
"...Keep talking that mess, that's fine but could you walk and talk at the same time? ...You must not know about me, you must not know about me."
...and if you don't know... 
Get out.
Source: notin-nottingham

5. Leave (Get Out) - Jo Jo
"Get out, right now. It's the end of you and me. It's too late and I can't wait for you to be gone."
Thas what I thought...
Get out.
Source: princescounsuela

6. Hit the Road Jack - Ray Charles (especially if your student's name is Jack.)
"Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back 
no more , no more, no more no more."
Get out.
Source: gifs-planet

Any songs you would add to the list? 

*No children were harmed in the making of this production and if you want to avoid a teacher daydreaming about kicking you out, don't be a jerk at school. Leave the drama for your mama.