Monday, August 25, 2014

6 "Get Out" Songs for Teachers to Mentally Sing When Kicking a Student Out

For many of my dear friends, it is that time of year. Yes, teachers, I am talking to you. And yes... school is starting - or worse - has started.

I feel your pain. As a teacher myself (though I haven't been in the classroom for a few years now), I know that teaching is for those with big heart... and patience... and grace... and humor... and courage... and high barometers of all things gross... and - sorry, I'll move on. Although September can be exciting with the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the promise of never been used notebooks (What? Don't tell me I'm the only nerdy teacher that likes new school supplies.), the students' first-day-of-school-eagerness wears off by 4th period and then they become as tolerable as students on the last day of school, which is, let's be honest, not at all tolerable. Ok, damn right meh.

When I was in the classroom, by 5th period of my first day I was questioning my decision-making skills in life, asking myself what in the world I could have been thinking when I went back to school to become a teacher. Oh, that's right, people. I graduated with a BA in Something Else and voluntarily went back to school to enter a profession that guaranteed to pay me nothing but mismatched markers, half used post-its and enough money to buy groceries each month (nothing organic less I want to break the bank). Luckily, I really like school supplies. By 6th period, I was daydreaming of flicking paper footballs at kids' face and by the end of the day, all of the zen I had acquired during my peaceful summer was a smelly pile of poo in the corner. Wait a minute? Is that an actual pile of poo in the corner. Ugh. These kids are so gross.

Teachers are the most selfless and funny people I know; in part because it takes a certain kind of person to do this job, and mostly because we need to be in order to survive; yet even teachers have their breaking (bad) point and it's usually when one of the kids that we give up our days, evenings and weekends for says something so ungrateful that all of the others kids stop and look at you in horror, waiting to see how you'll respond.
source: leochingkwaked
These are moments when you want to break out in damn near theatrical dance and throw someone out of your classroom shrieking and crazy talking to yourself, yelling
GET OUT!
so loudly that the windows shatter but instead you stay cool and say, "Please leave the classroom," deep breath, "Right now." So, Selfless Teachers, because of this I've created a Mental Playlist for you (not mental as in crazy, mental as in your mind) to use for the times when your human reaction to physically face push someone has to be overridden by your selfless, patient teacher reaction. I want you to think of these tunes with their perfect GET OUT lyrics and imagine what theatrical dance you would do if you could kick a student out in whatever Broadway type way you wanted.

* Don't actually do it, but daydream about it in that secret, out-of-body-experience kind of way and then come back to reality.

1. Problems - Arianna Grande 
"I got one less problem without ya...I got one less problem without ya...
I got one less, one less problem."
Tap dance it, giiirl... 
Get out.
Source: ruinedchildhood


2. Beat It - Michael Jackson
"...but you want to be bad? Just beat it. Beat it."
MmHmm. Not so bad now...
Get out.
Source: princesconsuela



3. Bye Bye Bye - N*Sync
"I know that I can't take no more. It ain't no lie. I just want to see you out that door. Baby, bye, bye, bye."
Boom... 
Get out.
Source: Paul DeSpain


4. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
"...Keep talking that mess, that's fine but could you walk and talk at the same time? ...You must not know about me, you must not know about me."
...and if you don't know... 
Get out.
Source: notin-nottingham


5. Leave (Get Out) - Jo Jo
"Get out, right now. It's the end of you and me. It's too late and I can't wait for you to be gone."
Thas what I thought...
Get out.
Source: princescounsuela


6. Hit the Road Jack - Ray Charles (especially if your student's name is Jack.)
"Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back 
no more , no more, no more no more."
Uh-huh... 
Get out.
Source: gifs-planet

Any songs you would add to the list? 



*No children were harmed in the making of this production and if you want to avoid a teacher daydreaming about kicking you out, don't be a jerk at school. Leave the drama for your mama. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Why The Most Interesting Man in the World is... The Most Interesting Man

To wrap up Friday and my week of unexplained devotion to The Most Interesting Man in the World, here is my TOP 20 List of WHY he is The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Top 20 Most Interesting Man in the World Quotes
aaaand...

As a challenge, I'd love to hear what quotes you come up with. Here was mine from earlier in the week:
Drinking the Whole Bottle
Get it? Drinking the Whole Bottle?
Clever, yes? I thought so. (Hand. Back. Pat, pat)

In no particular order:

20. TIE: He could speak French... in Russian. 
AND 
He once taught a German Shephard how to bark... in Spanish.

19. His blood smells like cologne.

18. Bear hugs are what he gives bears.

17. He once went to the psychic to warn her.

16. He bowls overhand.

15. The police often question him just because they find him interesting.

14. If he were to mail a letter without postage it would still get there.

13. Dicing onions doesn't make him cry... it only makes him stronger. 

12. Some say he found the fountain of youth but didn't drink because he wan't thirsty.

11. Once a rattlesnake bit him. After 5 days of excrutiating pain, the rattlesnake finally died.


In PARTICULAR order:


Top 10 Most Interesting Man in the World Quotes

10. He once won a staring contest with himself.

9. If you were to see him walking a chihuahua it would still look masculine.

8. He once had an awkward moment to see how it feels.

7. He lives vicariuosly through himself.

6.  In a past life, he was himself.

Top 5 Most Interesting Man in the World Quotes

5. The contents of his taco refuse to fall from the shell.

4. If opporutnity knocks -  and he's not home... opportunity waits.

3. He once brought a knife to a gunfight just to even the odds.

2.  The last time he flirted with danger, danger got clingy. 

1. He is a lover, not a fighter... but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas. 

Happy Friday.
Stay Thirsty, My Friends

and remember...

Honorable Mention:

- when it is raining it is because he is thinking... about something sad

- his organ donation card also lists his beard

- his thank you cards have prompted you're welcome cards

- sharks have a week dedicated to him

- he has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks

- he played a game of russian roulette with a fully loaded magnum... and won

- he has never walked into a spider web

- Two countries went to war to dispute his nationality

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Most Interesting Advice in the World

Husband often tells me that I am a marketer's dream.

Nice packaging? I'm sold.
Bright colors with pretty font? Taking out my monies as. we. speak.

But there is one ad campaign that I believe to be far better than any ad campaign ever created and that is the Dos Equis Campaign of The Most Interesting Man in the World. I will assume you all know him since, after all, he is the MIMW but in case you don't, here's an introduction.



Let's review. While telling us how amazing he is we see him playing handball like a boss, not just reading hieroglyphics but telling a joke in hieroglyphics, not just flying some sort of glider plane but being lead bird in V bird formation, and riding on top of a train in some far off, undisclosed location, being charismatic while stitching a portrait of a beautiful Indian woman. Now, let's be honest... don't you want to be him? I pride myself on being a strong woman, a feminist, if you will, but this guy makes me wish I was a man. Well, not all men - just this man - which is what the campaign is all about so I think they met their objective: make men (and this woman) want to be so much like The Most Interesting Man in the World that they purchase Dos Equis to be, well, like The Most Interesting Man in the World, or at the very least, more interesting.

Is it coincidence or fate that a blogger who's blog title is Drinking the Whole Bottle believes a beer ad is the greatest campaign ever created? Or that The Most Ineresting Man in the World's advice sounds strangely as ridiculous as Legra's Laws? Could we be soulmates? I don't know. What I do know is that I wouldn't choose anyone other than MIMW to be DTWB's mascot mancot and so I thought it was about time to spotlight a man/myth/legend who can probably drink (more than) the whole bottle. 
"After drinking the whole bottle, the bottle passed out."
In honor of The Most Interesting Man in the World, I've rounded up the best advice that his beard has been kind enough to impart. In order, here is The Most Interesting Advice in the World. Here we go:

#5 Advice on self defense:
"The right look should suffice."

Teachers and parents know this to be true all too well. It just takes "the look" to let someone know you mean business. Ask my kids. Better yet, ask every student I ever taught. Every. One. They'll tell you that when I gave that look, they should proceed with extreme caution.


#4 Advice on umbrella drinks:
"Unless your drink is expecting rain, you should probably reconsider."

I am a fan of umbrella drinks but I'm dramatic, sassy, and like things that sparkle so I gotta say that my verdict is still out on guys with umbrella drinks. I don't really have a problem with it but I could see where MIMW is coming from on this one.


#3 Advice on the Two Party System:
"The after party is the one you want to attend."

I know this to be true because it is the advice I would have given when I was in my 20's and probably more interesting and less smart because I didn't have kids or responsibilities so I wasn't tired all of the time and if I was tired I'd go out anyway because I could sleep in tomorrow until 2pm if I wanted to and so I went out waaaay more and thus did more interesty things. Now, this is the complete opposite of what I'd say unless the after party means hitting the sheets and not in a sexy way - in a drooling way... and that's certainly not winning me and Most Interesting Woman in the World awards, is it?


#2 Advice on Packages:

"Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pocket, you better use them to call a tailor."

Just yes. Yes. I like a slim fit but not if I could see your junk. Ewww. Keep that between you and the privacy of your home. I would also add though that the Most Interesting Man in the World should mention the fellas wearing their pants around their ass cheeks. I find this even more inappropriate then the outline of junk. 


And #1... Advice on The Gym:
"Running in place will never get you the same results as running from a lion."
Did you laugh so hard that you spit beer from your nose? I can't. I find this one too funny. Yes, I bet running from a lion would get me pretty motivated; so would running from a bear, a crocodile, or a swarm of bees. Motivated, indeed. Get-a-running.

...and Stay Thirsty, my friends!


Join me later this week, when I countdown my favorite Most Interesting Man in the World quotes.

Follow him on Twitter for some seriously hard laughs!