Friday, October 21, 2011

Legra's Law - *13* - Thriller

EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it!!!! (Not so recent) BREAKING STORY: (Names altered for identity purposes.)

Some time ago... January 13, 2007 - to be exact - a group of friends got together to throw a Totally 80's - 80's party in Tannersville, a town nearby the ski resort of Hunter Mountain (pronounced [huhn-tah] to certain New Yorkers), to celebrate the birth of Jemma, a wicked awesome lass who was quite fanatical about the decade in which she was born. They dressed in 80's clothes, listened to 80's music, and 6th grade slow danced to 80’s love ballads. Guests were adorned with mullets, jean jackets, scrunchies, slap bracelets, short skirts with cut off lace leggings, D.A.R.E. T-shirts, light up plastic roller rink neon necklaces, french cuffs. It couldn't have been more 80's if Ronald Reagan, himself, drove up in a Delorian, break dancing to “Billie Jean.” It was rad and it was one of those nights that EVERYTHING and anything was bound to happen.

Somewhere through the night, the motley crew decided to leave their rented ski house and hit the town of Tannersville. Still dressed, they rolled deep to one of the local bars where they begged the DJ to play “Thriller” so the group could perform their rendition of Micheal Jackson's "Thriller" (notice author’s use of foreshoadowing). The “Electric Slide,” sadly, did not escape their whirlwind either. As a dare, the bartender asked them to do a pyramid. Under the influence of many red drinks and no shame, a pyramid would happen right there on the very bar floor where they had rocked out with their… let’s say - socks out.

After this debacle, the misfits of science turned on their next victim; another bar down the street. They sang and danced and did too many shots, all the while living out their “Glory Days”. By this point, the night was growing old, many of them “Hurt so Good” and had made their way home. Jemma and her best friend, Erin; however, were some of the last few there... it was the “Final Countdown”.

Always proving that he was “true”, the girls told their friend, Goomba (pronounced g-oo-m-ba {obviously a nickname, obviously from New York}) that they were leaving. He had asked them to wait for him a few minutes, but telling those girls anything when they had their mind set on something was pointless. He suggested one more time that they wait, but they assured him that they were fine and that he should continue his night with his special lady friend.

Only being a 5-minute walk home, the girls set off on their way home. As they were walking down the main street (and in small towns like this, it’s always called Main Street) they encountered a problem. A car slowly driving down Main Street pulled up to them, as one of the ruffians in the car opened the window and asked them if they needed a ride home. Jemma, feeling very unsafe about this offer yelled, "No!" just so they knew she was serious.

The car asked again. Jemma again, thanks to the many lessons of many an After School Specials and her mother, again responded, "no, NO!" The car pulled away. She still felt uneasy when a few moments later, another car drove by; again asking if the girls needed a ride home.

(SIDE NOTE: After speaking to both girls for comments, they disagree as to whether or not both cars that approached them were the same car. However, they do remember that both cars were Cadillacs. Hmmm?... Curious.)

Jemma became very apprehensive. She remembered the words of her wise Cuban mother, "Erin, my mom always says that if you feel uncomfortable in a situation to not waste time asking questions. Just get out of there!"

Erin, the usually rational one, tried to calm her down, "Jemma, it's fine – we’re fine."

"Yeeaaah.” Jemma hesitantly agreed, “I think we should go back and get Goomba. I don't feel good about this at all. My mom always says…”

"We're almost home, Jemma." Erin assured, “I know what your mom always says, but I think you’re being dramatic.”

They continued to walk down “Electric Avenue”, and wouldn’t you know that when the girls turned the corner onto their street, in the distance they saw an eerily familiar looking Cadillac, with one of the guys standing outside of it in ready, jogger position. It was creepy and unreal at the same time and he looked too Nightmare on Elm Street to think twice about. (It should be noted that looking back now, the girls do not believe he was going to charge at them.)

"Hmm..." Erin said, "He looks scary.” (Pause) “Like he's getting ready to come at us or something, right?" She looked at Jemma for her opinion.

Jemma replied, "Uhm, you think? YES! he looks seriously scary! Now could we go back?"

Erin finally feeling the threat, grabbed Jemma’s hand and yelled, "RUN!" The girls took off like bats out of hell on the quickest route back to their Goomba. However, the quickest route meant not going back all the way to Main Street but rather taking the shortcut… through the woods.

Looking like the girl in the "Thriller" video, the girls ran from their idea of this serial murdering werewolf, pushing aside tree branches and dead leaves, hurdling through the air over puddles and logs. No looking back, no paved road; they ran the back way through mud and grass and trees and darkness. Seriously? What were we thinking… I mean, they. What were they thinking? I guess when in that situation, you look for the quickest, sometimes worst, escape route. Jemma now understood why in the movies that dumb damsel doesn’t take the main road instead of the secluded woods. When you’re too scared to think, you just react. And just reacting often leads to bad decision-making.

To make matter worse, it had been raining that day so the ground was saturated and unsteady. When they finally arrived back at the bar, they were out of breath, and Jemma’s red satin peep toe pumps were soaked, covered in mud. All of their friends asked what had happened but their only instinct was to find Goomba. He was their safety net that winter at Hunter. When they finally found him, they explained their story and decided that this time they would sit their Go-Go's down to wait to be escorted home.

It may have been nothing. They very well could have been wrong in interpreting the situation. They may have looked incredibly stupid running through the forest with laced cuff leggings, D.A.R.E T-shirts, and side ponytails, but they’ll both tell you that, in retrospect, that’s OOOK, because looking stupid always looks way better than looking dead.

Moral of the story: When you don't feel comfortable in a situation; always remember what mom told you... RUN!!

OR even simpler

Moral of the story: Always listen to your mother.

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