Monday, July 8, 2013

Sh*t List: Monkeys

Today, I don't want to write about kids. I don't want to write about my kids or having kids or being the mother of kids. I don't even want to say the word kids anymore.

So instead I will write about monkeys and how today monkeys are on my shit list.

Today, I don't like monkeys. I don't like that monkeys won't sleep when they should sleep, when they know they should sleep because they are tired and rubbing their eyes but decide Nah. This monkey will not sleep today. I don't like that monkeys think they run the house or the way that monkeys try to be the boss of you, the adult, who is obviously in charge because you said you were in charge, so why in the hell would those monkeys think that they are in charge. And, I don't like that I cannot drink a cup of coffee hot coffee when monkeys are around because I have to run around after the monkeys so that they don't destroy the whole damn banana tree house.

Today, monkeys are the enemy. Monkeys make me want to rejoin the workforce. Any workforce. A workforce with long hours just to escape the crazy monkeyness at home. Today, monkeys remind me why many mothers in France go back to work after only 3 months. They say it is because they want to keep the balance of being a mother and a regular woman but I know it is because they too have monkeys at home that will not sleep or let them eat or drink a hot cup of café au lait.

Today, I remember my life without monkeys and how easy it used to be. How I could wake up whenever I wanted to. How I could check my email or Facebook at any moment of the day without sneaking off. How I could waste hours on Pinterest or google just because I had time to kill. How I had time to kill. How I could read a book and fall asleep for a mid-afternoon nap. What's that you ask, monkey? What's a mid-afternoon nap? It's when you are tired and rubbing your eyes and so you sleep. You sleep because you're tired. Genius. TRY IT!

Today, monkeys are out! I don't care how cute they are, how adorable their smiles, how persuasive their words. I don't care if they pronounce I love you as I dub do and if they are looking right at me as they say it. No matter if that monkey is sitting in my backseat and calls my name and apologizes I sahry when that darn monkey didn't even do anything wrong and is just apologizing because it's the latest learned word. So cute, but no matter, monkey. No matter how darn cute you may be. Today, I am out of monkey patience. No monkeys for me. No sir.

There is a reason the doctor said, "No more monkeys jumping on the bed." Because Doc was tired of the monkeys too. And side note, I bet the monkey that fell off the bed wasn't even supposed to be jumping on the bed to begin with. I bet mama specifically told Monkey not to jump on the bed and Monkey went ahead and jumped on the bed anyway. And then Monkey fell and before mama called the doctor she probably said, "See Monkey. I told you your Monkey butt should not have been jumping on the bed." Freaking non listening monkeys!

Shit what time is it?

I have to get home to the kids. Good thing I don't have any monkeys or I would certainly not go home. (insert mama smirk.) I dub do.

(Above pictures are not my actual kids. Photos were edited with PlaceMyFace App for iPad Mini)


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