I woke up this morning to my baby boy's full-on happy baby smile for the mommy that appears
every morning by his crib. Me. (Ok.
It might be the milk that’s getting the happy baby smile.) For a little less
than a week, my little’n has been sleeping sans
swaddle, and despite his moves like Jagger, has been sleeping most of the
night.
I also woke up to my little girl’s beaming, happy, smiley face.
Excited to see me, her word - repetitive, “Mami. Mami. Mami. Maaaaami. Mamiiiiiii.”
“Yes, Rafa.” I answer.
Excited to see me, her word - repetitive, “Mami. Mami. Mami. Maaaaami. Mamiiiiiii.”
“Yes, Rafa.” I answer.
Silence.
She just wanted to know I’d answer.
She just wanted to know I’d answer.
Today, I am grateful for these moments because I remember
that on this day 12 years ago, the only thing I could be grateful for was my
life and that I still had it. I wasn’t sure about anything that day. Would I make it out of here? Would I ever
see my sister again? Would I live to be a mother? Those are pretty
deep questions for a senior in college living in the greatest city in the
world. And I had no answers because I didn’t know. I just. didn’t.
know.
And if I was honest, for years after that day, I didn’t have
answers. It was a time in my life where I knew I wanted a future but couldn’t quite see one - because nothing was clear
anymore. That day took away the absolute assurance of a future and replaced it
with the possibility of one. It was the day I realized that I was not invisible
and that nothing was promised or guaranteed for me.
Today, I’m grateful because I have never - and hopefully, will
never - have to be in the shoes my mother filled that day when she watched a
black smoke cloud of ash cloak and swallow the city where her daughter lived
and breathed. She lived her own moments of uncertainty about her
daughter’s future that day.
Today, I’m grateful because sleeping without swaddles and
repetitive Mami calls are my only problems. And what small problems they are
for me today, in comparison to the sadness that others will relive every year
on September 11. While I’m putting my babies to sleep tonight, some parents are
reliving that memory in only their minds.
That is not lost on me. Not
today.
Today I am grateful to my children since it was the idea of
them, the wishes for them, that kept me hoping for a future and kept me moving
towards one because even when I wasn’t certain about the future, I was certain
about them.
This will never be a day for me that slips by on the
calendar without stopping to reflect on how much was taken, how much was lost,
and how among ashes, hope can still grow and futures are still born.
very heartfelt and beautiful!
ReplyDeleteLauren - thanks for your kind words. I am just now seeing this comment since I'm returning a year later to re-read this.
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