Sleepy Times

Some of my favorite times are when she's sleeping. Not because she's quiet but because she looks so content and peaceful. Here are some sleepy shots

This is my favorite. She smiles when she sleeps. It's heart melting

And I love, love, love the frog legs.

Isn't she too young to be this dramatic?

It is also quite special to watch Mike with her. He is such a patient, loving, nurturing person. He was meant to be a dad.

Daddy loves carrying me

Happy 1 Month Birthday, Rafa

Time. It just marches on like an ant and you never even notice it's gone. It never stops moving does it? Days start and end and then next thing you know, a month has passed. Sometimes, many months roll by and nothing much has changed. But sometimes you can't imagine what kind of difference a month could make. This last month has been a month of incredible change.

In previous blogs I've mentioned how much change Mike and I have gone through in less than a year. With so much change, we were both looking forward to when we would finally have our baby so that we could start moving back into a world of normalcy, consistency. A world with some kind of routine. Little did we know...

Today, Rafa is one month old. And this month has been a lot of things, but normal, consistent, and routine is not one of them.

It has been a month of growth. All of my days have clumped together into one with all of the feedings, changings, and burpings. (Did I mention feedings?) If I get dressed and brush my teeth, it has been a successful day for me as a woman. My success as a mom is measured in much different ways. With all of these days rolled into one, you forget that days are passing by and that Rafaella is growing with each of those. Looking at pictures of the first few days seems like I'm looking at another baby. She already looks so different, so much bigger. Her eyes are clearer, more alert. She looks at us now a little more sure of who we are.

It has been a month of emotion. I read a woman say that "Raising a child is the very definition of ambivalence. I am overwhelmed at times by how something can simultaneously be so awful and so rewarding." I have to agree. It is so awful to second guess yourself everyday. Am I doing the best I can? Am I feeding her enough? Why can't I make her stop crying? Resilience is a quality that you have to acquire quickly as a mom and a quality that you have no choice but to acquire. Move on. Bounce back. You think that other moms have it figured out, that they're doing it right, so why can't you? And then you set an iPod next to her, playing music she might remember from being in your belly, and she gets quiet. She likes it. Genius! It's glorious. She's happy. You're happy. The world is good again. And then she starts to cry...

And knowing that all mothers have the same questions, the same doubts doesn't help. You have to find your own way through it.

It has been a month of amazement. It is something incredible to look at this perfect little face and know that Mike and I made her. She is half of each of us and a whole lot of perfect. We have seen her become more aware of things around her. Hearing her burp comes with a feeling of accomplishment that I can't even describe. Watching her sleep is pure bliss. Especially when she smiles in her sleep. Smelling her head and her milk breath does something to my heart that is indescribable. Most mornings around 7 am she will start to stir but when I take her to feed her, she falls back asleep. I put her next to me in my bed and sometimes we'll both sleep their for a little longer, snuggled up. That is amazing.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that she's ours. A month old baby is growing and becoming a person before our eyes, with our help. And just as it always does, TIME will keep marching into the next month, the next year. Before we know it, this month will be a memory. A time to look back on and remember how much really happened, how much really changed in just one month.

My Total Truths: #4 Decisions Can Always be Changed

My Total Truths is a series based on MY truths; a list of things that I know to be true and have served as mini life lessons in my experience. 

# 4 - Decisions can be hard, but they are necessary.

It is one day shy of a week when my family left Santo Domingo back to their home in New Jersey and the mere thought of it could break me down into a Hurricane Irene crystorm. I was lucky enough to have my mom with me for 5 weeks (about 2 where I was still pregnant and 3 with the newborn) so I shouldn't be complaining. Most people don't have this kind of help in the beginning, much less ever, which I must say now is unthinkable at best. Additionally, with the move to a different country, one of the things you have to accept is that you might not have people around for these moments, so I am eternally grateful to God, the universe, a greater being that my mom (and abuelita) was able to be with me during the birth of my first child.

What I did and did not realize is how much I would miss them when they were gone. It could almost be looked at as a bad thing to have them here for so long because their absence now is so much greater. Though given the chance I would have them back without question. As Mike was saying before their arrival, there would be 4 generations (JENerations) of Legra women under the same household. (My mother corrected... Baxter-Legra.) All of us under one small roof would be a tropical storm, under normal circumstances, but adding a baby was sure to make the stay a category 5. It was. But after the storm, I was surprised that the only damage done was to my heart. I missed them. A lot. I miss them. Mike too. We all missed them.

I knew I would. It's just, I didn't know how much I would. Between the engagement party, wedding, pregnancy, move from Westfield, wedding, move to Santo Domingo plans, actual move, and planning of baby I was running on GO for months. I knew what I was leaving behind but didn't have the time, or really the understanding, to know what it would actually feel like. I knew it would be hard but when someone is always around, it's impossible to miss them. I understood that the decision to move was not a simple one. I was choosing to fulfill a part of me that was always in the waiting. I was choosing to travel and write and try my hand at some of my biggest dreams. But as Paulo Coelho writes in The Alchemist, "Making a decision was only the beginning of things." We often think making a decision is the hardest part but its the aftermath that you should worry about.

In making a decision to live out part of my dream, another part of me has to give.

When my mom was here, one of the last days, we were talking about how I used to go to sleepovers only to call her in the middle of the night asking her to pick me up. When she would get there I would be waiting at the door and come running out with my pillow firmly tucked under my arm. She said it looked "como el diablo te seguia (like the devil was chasing me)." As much as I am a strong, independent person, I am also someone who misses home and the security of my family quite easily. My mom has never tried to get me stay but always let me know that I could. I could always come back no matter what the decision.

With a new baby, most would say that I have to grow up and take care of my family now. The conflicting side of this is that I have never thought about my parents, grandparents, and sister as an extension of family - an addition - but just simply as part of the whole. They are a part of me, of my family, as plainly as Mike and Rafaella (and Olive & Jersey) are. And the tug between my family there and my family here becomes the hardest part of making the decision I know I have to make in order to live out this part of my life.

With that being said, for now, I have to take full advantage of the magical journey that is in front of me. I am getting to live out a dream with the love of my life which is more than many could say. And I guess, one of the beauties of life and decisions, is that you could always make a new one.

(I love that Jersey "Where's Waldo"-ed himself in this picture.)

An American is Born

So at 6 am today, after a night of little-no sleep, Mike woke me up to drive to a busy, smoky polluted street where people turn down both ways on a one way street (like most streets here) to get to the US Consulate Office. I would be lying if I said that the sight of the American flag didn't make me take a sigh of relief. I felt, for a brief moment, that I was home.

We took our lovebug and our hopes there with our fingers crossed that, unlike most governmental visits, this one would only take one stop to secure her documents (birth certificate, passport, etc.). Luckily, that's how it went. For the first time in my WHOLE life, it was easy to deal with a government office. It took a few hours but there was no running around, no "see that person" who sends you to see "this person" who send you back to the first person you saw. There was no one telling me that I had to do ABC while the next person told me that ABC was not necessary, but 123 was. Everyone was on the same page. How many times could you say that when dealing with a government agency? It even worked out that the passport pictures we brought (where she looked like an old man elf) were too close and they had a photographer to take new ones. For 200 pesos ($5.00) our daughter now has a presentable passport photo.

In three weeks, we should have Rafaella's first passport. Our daughter is almost a full on American citizen (still needs a SSN). And although, it didn't make a difference to me before that she was being born on foreign grounds, I must say that I am happy that she is in the process of being an American. I love the world and can't wait to see more of it, but being an American definitely has its advantages.

America Sucks Because Everyone Wants To Be On Johnny Bananas' Team

I would like to start this blog by stating that I, in no way shape or form, have a personal problem with said Johnny Bananas. As a matter of fact, at times, I could see why some might find him charming and awfully cute, but that is not the issue here.

Position:

Rewind your mind back to high school. For some of us, this might take longer than others. Are you there yet? Great. Now ask yourself:

• Who got invited to all of the parties?


• Who was always voted in as president even if they were super unqualified?

• Who was usually the lead trouble maker but never got caught while his minions fell like bird shit on a pavement?

Johnny Bananas.

If you have ever watched) MTV's Real World / Road Rules Challenge, this name might sound familiar. Johnny Bananas is a persona that symbolizes "that guy" from high school but on a competitive reality show. And just as these shows are a mirror of high school, what else is America, really, but one big popularity contest?

Explanation:

I wonder sometimes, as I'm watching the news or talking to people, how anyone could say that teachers get paid too much and have too many benefits or have too much time off. I wonder, also, how people could argue that the police department or fire department could afford cut backs. How could anyone watch the news, witness a bailout that resulted in the rich getting more money than they need, and then say to me that these greedy, lazy teachers are the problem?

Here's my answer... because everyone wants to be on Johnny Bananas' team. While at times charming (like most politicians, heads of big companies, or people with power), he is sneaky, smart, and will  - without a second thought - stab you in the neck blade unless you are truly one of the insiders. Sound familiar (like most politicians, heads of big companies, or people with power)? But that's not the problem I have. My problem is that other contestants know this about him. Everyone that is competing knows that he cannot be trusted. He has proven time and time again that he is only after his own self-interst and if given the chance he will take your help to get what he wants and then be tossed to the side only to be mowed over by a tractor of shit.

So why do these contestants continue to trust him?

I think it's because they hope to one day be Johnny Bananas. Maybe not look like him or have his devilishly cute smile, but to be the one in power. I believe that people honestly think, in some sort of twisted way, that if they vote with Mr. Bananas, if they are on his side, that they might one day stand where he stands, have what he has, and be brought into his world. They can live his life. At first mention, this seems hard to hear; it seems not true or reasonable, but think back to high school for a moment. How many times did you see people do the wrong thing becaue they wanted to "fit in?" How many people have been influenced by the draw of being part of "that" crowd. Watch Mean Girls for Banana's sake. Why is it so hard to believe that adults fall victim to this also. I know plenty of "adults" who bend to someone else's whim in hopes to one day be where the powerful stand or at the very least be included.

This is what happens with Johnny Bananas. I have watched too many episodes (and I'm only a little embarrassed to admit this) where intelligent, competent people start the show knowing full well that in order to get ahead they need to vote Johnny Bananas OFF and then when given the chance they don't do it. Every. Time. They keep him around. Not because they like him or because they're friends - usually they don't even particularly like him - but they keep him because he's the "cool" guy. Somehow forgetting that that "cool" guy could give two shits about them and will sell them out quicker than you could jump in an MTV hot tub.

I don't blame Johnny Bananas. Unlike the REAL real world, this "Real World" doesn't have life consequences for the people that lose. When these contestants go home, they leave with at best some extra cash on their pocket, at worst a bad hangover, and most times a good story and a mini-vacation. So Johnny Bananas doesn't have to worry that he's ruining someone's life. But the Johnny Bananas of the REAL real world (most politicians, heads of big companies, or people with power) should be ashamed of themselves. And the REAL real people that don't stand up against these Johnny Bananas are as much to blame for thinking that this time he will be different. He's not.

Next time, some fat NJ governor tells you that teachers need to be stopped because their greediness is taking away from you personally, take a look at his millionaire friends and ask yourself why his rich friends keep getting richer. He isn't trying to help you, he's trying to help himself and his alliance. So STOP trying to make an alliance with these powerful people that will make you a deal and then give you what's behind door number 3, which is always the less fun gift of a washer and dryer and not the new car.

America: Continuing to vote and support the rich and powerful, will not make you rich and powerful. It only makes them rich and powerful. Stop trying to be on Johnny Bananas' team. He doesn't want you on his team. Make your own team with good, solid, trustworthy people and then things will change. Maybe then, you'll win the challenge... and walk away with the money.

Or at least your pride.